Didn’t the second season of The Masked Singer just end? Since Fox plans to air this thing until we all stop watching it — or until it runs out of willing celebrities — we’ll just have to keep on guessing. Despite unconvincing claims that the clues “will be harder” this time around, my streak is 100 percent and I don’t plan on giving up the belt.
And so, I’m back again to put my tried-and-true human algorithm to the test. Unlike these shady judges, who will try and trick us with purposefully off-base guesses (Adele! Lady Gaga! Dolly Parton!), we all know better. What kinds of celebrities will appear on The Masked Singer? In the past two seasons, we’ve seen everyone from Ninja to Patti LaBelle, but there’s always a few common threads. Are they famous in their own fields, harboring dreams of singing stardom? Older celebs hoping for a comeback or some recognition by younger fans? Maybe someone with a little drama they’d like to outrun, or a brand-new album to sell? These are all the things that could get you on The Masked Singer. I’ll admit that as the show grows, I worry that big celebs might actually want to hop aboard. We shall see.
Who is the Robot on The Masked Singer?
Here’s what we know about the Robot: His clue video has him being taken apart and put back together by scientists, for one. There’s also the periodic table — which zooms into the element of platinum (Get it? Like someone who might have a platinum record?) and a small skateboard “crashing” into a fire truck. “I relate to robots because I’ve always felt the need to put on a tough outer shell,” says the Robot. “I think that makes me come off as inhuman and stunted my potential.” There’s also a scientist fiddling with a video-game remote. A gamer? “I have a feeling this is a massive star underneath that mask,” Nicole Scherzinger says, in perhaps the smartest guess she’s ever made on this show.
Why it’s definitely Lil Wayne: Is this the most contemporary famous person we’ve ever seen on The Masked Singer? The judging panel seems to think so, completely losing their minds when he’s revealed. I kind of agree: I was immediately confident that it was Wayne after he started singing (that low-baritone croaklike-speaking thing he does is unmistakable), but the only doubt I had in my mind was, “Would Lil Wayne do this show?” The answer being: If he has an album to promote, then yes, he would. (Plus, Wayne famously loves skateboarding, video games, and has many platinum albums. And he really has been “put back together” in the past few years, if that’s what he’s referring to.)
Why it might not be Lil Wayne: It is. I can’t believe they let him go so early. Wayne!
Who is the White Tiger on The Masked Singer?
Here’s what we know about the White Tiger: These clues want you to think this guy’s a wrestler — plus his towering height and hulking body type. (He dwarfs Nick Cannon in a way that platform shoes and prosthetics couldn’t do alone.) His clue video has belts, awards, and “I’m ready to get in that ring and smash the competition.” We get it, wrestling … or is this meant to throw us off? One of the awards reads: ”Ultimate Championship for Clam Shucking: 51 clams” … whatever that means. “My entire life, I’ve sought out perfection,” he says. In something likely related, they pan to a sign with Lincoln, Washington, and Franklin on it that reads “Four score and seven years ago,” and there’s another sign that reads “Masked Singer tryouts 5/3.”
Why it’s definitely Rob Gronkowski: Surprise! It’s not a wrestler. You know who else could have the body type of one though? A football player. And this could only be one guy: Gronk. The clues match up, too: He’s a wrestling fan (he appeared at WWE’s WrestleMania 33 and helped his pal Mojo Rawley win the André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal); he played for the Patriots, the football team known for being out of Boston; New England is where you might find clams! (I wish I was joking about these clues!); he played in Super Bowl 51, like the “51 clams shucked,” and Super Bowl 53 (“Masked Singer tryouts 5/3”). The final evidence? “Four score and seven years ago” a.k.a. 20 x 4 + 7 = 87 a.k.a. Gronk’s number.
Why it might not be Rob Gronkowski: The clues are pretty conclusive, not to mention the football fans who happened to stick around after the Super Bowl and call this out immediately. The panel got caught up in the wrestling themes and guessed John Cena (no) and then Jason Momoa. But Jamie Foxx gets it right (and I’m guessing that a producer tells him not to do that again).
Who is the Turtle on The Masked Singer?
Here’s what we know about the Turtle: Well, first of all, he’s a good-ass singer. He’s got stage presence and a gorgeous run, so we’re not dealing with an amateur. His clue video starts off with a bunch of “bunnies” (you see, the turtle and the hare) at the starting line for a track-and-field event. “At the start of my career, I was surrounded by hungry newcomers,” says the Turtle. “I’m the turtle because I’ve always taken it step-by-step.” Okay. He waxes a surfboard, he flips some burgers, and says, “After years of preparation, I would love to make a big splash.” Let’s see.
Why it’s definitely Jesse McCartney: Totally irrelevant to this exercise, but did you know that Jesse McCartney wrote Leona Lewis’s hit “Bleeding Love”? He did, and because I know that, I also know that this is McCartney under the Turtle mask. Trust me! He was totally in the “race” with other newcomers — coming up among all the future boy-banders, and even joining a boy band called Dream Street. The surfboard could reference his role on teen drama Summerland, or the few Teen Choice Award surfboard-shaped awards he’s taken home (Choice Crossover Artist, Choice Male Artist, and Choice Breakout in 2005).
Why it might not be Jesse McCartney: The burgers are unclear — maybe the dude just loves to grill? And “step-by-step” seems to be a reference to the ’90s TV show, or maybe not. The panel goes for “boy-bander,” which isn’t wrong, but they are thinking of bigger boy bands. It’s not Lance Bass; it’s not Joey McIntyre (although he will probably be on this show at some point); and it’s not Donnie Wahlberg … despite the Wahlburgers connection.
Who is the Llama on The Masked Singer?
Here’s what we know about the Llama: Definitely the most entertaining Masked Singer costume since the Egg, the Llama’s immovable back legs are straight up hilarious. He’s got a ’70s vibe and sits behind the decks and microphone of what looks like a radio station. “You may call me a joker,” the Llama says in his clue video, as the zoom-into stacked jack and ace playing cards: blackjack. There’s a purposefully placed Buddha and an LP that reads Sounds of Seattle. Plus, the Llama admits that he dresses “like this” in real life — Hawaiian shirts, khaki shorts, and a fedora.
Why it’s definitely Danny Bonaduce: The former Partridge Family actor turned VH1 nostalgia staple turned radio host is the perfect fit for a show like this. The guy even had his own short-lived reality show called Breaking Bonaduce, a dark place I urge you not to revisit. Since 2011, he’s hosted a morning talk and music show at Seattle radio station KZOK (“Sounds of Seattle”) and competes in the occasional celebrity-poker tournament. He even plays guitar and sings. Remember “Feelin’ Groovy”? (I don’t!) Or, more recently, gigs with the late David Cassidy, his TV brother.
Why it might not be Danny Bonaduce: Because lots of people online seem to think it’s Jack Black? Would Jack Black do The Masked Singer? In my opinion, only if his kids thought it was cool. Otherwise: No. The panel guesses David Spade, Joel McHale, and rules out Howard Stern (because he’s too tall).
Who is Miss Monster on The Masked Singer?
Here’s what we know about Miss Monster: We find her first clue in the ladies’ room, applying her “Furspray” and getting a shot of a key ring that reads “FUN.” “When you become famous, people want you to look or act a certain way,” she says. “They forget that you started off as a shy little monster.” She opens a locker with the number ten on it (next to a locker with the number 11 on it, but there are no other lockers that are numbered?), and while she goes on about the original Monster (a.k.a. first-season winner T-Pain), we see a script text that reads “Monster Hits.”
Why it’s definitely Chaka Khan: Because anyone who has ever heard Chaka sing would know it immediately. Listen to her sing “Through the Fire,” and tell me that isn’t her! She even sounds amazing in a performance on Jimmy Kimmel from just a year ago. The number ten on the locker perhaps refers to her 10 Grammy Awards (she’s got those confirmed “Monster Hits”), and the “Furspray” or hairspray to her iconic hair. Miss Monster describes herself as “shy,” and so does Chaka. It’s a match.
Why it might not be Chaka Khan: Ken guesses Dolly Parton, which is fully wrong. And people online are throwing around Dionne Warwick and Tina Turner. These are all the same people guessed last season when it turned out to be Patti LaBelle. Get your divas straight!
Who is the Kangaroo on The Masked Singer?
Here’s what we know about the Kangaroo: In her clue video, this Kangaroo says, “Like most of you watching, I am a survivor. I recently lost a person who held my family’s heart together. Then, by my own admission, I found myself in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.” She passes a sign that reads OUTBACK and jumps rope. A tree holds a gramophone — as in, a Grammy? — and she says that “this year” she had no other option than to be vulnerable. Is this really an Australian person? Are they trying to trick us?
Why it’s definitely Jordyn Woods: I have to admit, this might be the hardest one to date. While the clues match up perfectly for Jordyn — her father’s death, her drama with the Kardashians (“by my own admission”), her year of vulnerability — this is someone who can actually sing. She really can sing! Can Jordyn Woods sing? There’s literally no evidence on YouTube that I can find, just spotty screen captures of old Snapchats. But Mariah Smith, a Kardashian expert whom I trust with this sort of thing, claimed Jordyn immediately, and while Jordyn herself is without Grammys, her father was a sound engineer. She’s not Australian like the package wants you to assume, but she is tall like this towering Kangaroo (five-foot-nine to be exact). There’s even some weak misdirect from Jordyn herself on Twitter. Nice try!
Why it might not be Jordyn Woods: Could Jordyn Woods be a good singer? I find it hard to believe this is the way she’d choose to reveal it. The Australian thing threw a lot of people who guessed Iggy Azalea, but here’s her singing voice. There were also guesses of Jordin Sparks and India.Arie.
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