This is an opinion column.
Forget “Forrest Gump II.” We don’t need more kinds of shrimp. And “Even Crazier in Alabama?” That sounds too much like The Roy Moore Story.
But here are a few Alabama movies in the works. Or they should be.
“Titanic 2: Adrift” — The story of the Alabama Democratic Party begins with long-time party leader Joe Reed and party chair Nancy Worley stuck all alone on a tiny life raft in the middle of the frigid ocean.
“What are we going to do?” Worley says.
Reed just looks at the broad expanse of emptiness and smiles.
“I’m king of the world!” he says.
“Waterworld: Still All Wet” is the story of a lost and confused man — Alabama Department of Environmental Management Director Lance LeFleur – lost and searching for meaning on waters filled with chicken parts and rotting fish. Don’t look for it in theaters, though. Critics have been harsh.
“Zero stars,” one said. “There are no redeeming characters. Except for the dead fish.”
“Gone WIth the Wind Again,” is a postbellum look at a Southern belle named Harlot O’Scara — a thinly veiled Twinkle Cavanaugh, I’m pretty sure — who demonizes nature lovers for political gain, and ends up on the Public Service Commission with a primary duty to deny climate change and pander to utilities.
“But what of Alabama’s natural wonder,” she is asked by a naive staffer.
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” she says.
There has even been talk of another film about climate change denial in Alabama, starring Congressman Mo Brooks, Cavanaugh and that UAH professor they turn to for validation. It’s called “Some Like it Even Hotter.”
There are rumors that an De Niro himself could come to Birmingham for the film “Uber Driver.” He gets caught in Malfunction Junction construction and is enraged by obscure detour instructions.
“Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?
Some thought a similar script called “Toll Bridge Over the River Kwai” would fly in Mobile, but who knows if that one will happen.
There is finally talk of a biopic about former Gov. Robert Bentley, and his romantic fall from grace. It’s called “Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Governing and Love the Bombshell.”
It would be sold as a love story, except love means never having to say you’re sorry.
Bentley will also be featured in a spoof called “Helicopter!”
Bentley: Fly my wallet to the beach
Pilot: Surely you can’t be serious
Bentley: I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley
The story of former House Speaker Mike Hubbard’s long journey through trial and conviction and sentencing and years of freedom before the Alabama Supreme Court inevitably finds a technicality to free him on will be told not in “The Green Mile,” but in “The Red Marathon.”
In a similar film, the story of that Supreme Court will be told in “The Snow White Nine Dwarves.” Or maybe just the next “Minions” reboot.
Hubbard is also negotiating for a role in “The Ex-Terminator.” Just so he can say “I’ll be back!”
The story of the search for public documents in Alabama will be told by Brad Pitt.
“The first rule of public information in Alabama: You don’t talk about public information in Alabama,” he says in “Fight Club Drags On.”
The inside story of Gov. Kay Ivey will be told in “Cool Hand Kay,” the story of how a governor became incredibly popular by refusing to answer questions.
“What we have here is a refusal to communicate.”
But then, in “Gov. Tootsie” we find out Gov. Ivey doesn’t like to give interviews only because she is not Gov. Ivey at all. She is none other than the Yelladude himself, Jimmy Rane, in drag,
Talk about cutting out the middle man.
Maybe we could use some more Bubba Gump shrimp after all. Barbecue shrimp, boiled shrimp, fried shrimp…
John Archibald, a Pulitzer Prize winner, believe it or not, is a columnist for Reckon by AL.com. His column appears in The Birmingham News, the Huntsville Times, the Mobile Register and AL.com. Write him at jarchibald@al.com.
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