When last we saw Stefon, Bill Hader’s endlessly amusing Weekend Update city correspondent four years ago, he was looking askance at then-new Update correspondents Colin Jost and Michael Che—though that didn’t stop him from revealing more secrets of New York’s hottest clubs, including one where “the vibe is strange, yet familiar, like when you see signs for Seinfeld in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.” There was no question that Stefon would return again on Saturday, when Hader stopped by his old stomping grounds for another turn as host—and his latest appearance did not disappoint.
In fact, you know what? Let’s cut the pretense and just give the people what they want: a transcript including all the the new clubs Hader’s Stefon introduced to us while ostensibly recommending St. Patrick’s day entertainment, in between dunking on Jost and Che—mistakenly calling them “Conner” and “Percy,” then “Moonlight” and “La La Land” (guess who was who!)—and spilling more information about his intimate relationship with his husband, Seth Meyers. (The kicker? “Seth and I are versatile. Some nights, I do it and he’s under the desk.”)
Shortly after the anticipatory applause and cheers that welcomed Stefon before he even appeared on camera, Hader got down to business with his first recommendation:
If you’re drunk in midtown doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I
have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is DOUUUCHE.
Inspired by true events, this former CVS, which became a Chase Bank
and then became a CBS again has a familiar yet troubling feel, like
when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place
has everything: desk sets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J Israel,
Esquire. plus, you can play everyone’s favorite party game,
The Stranger. Do you know that Billy Joel song “The Stranger?” Well,
it’s when you sit on Billy Joel’s hand until it’s numb, and then you
rub yourself with it. So you can pretend it’s Bruce Springsteen’s
hand.
When asked if he could think of any thematically appropriate Irish-themed venues, Stefon came back with this:
If you’re Irish, or just white and violent, I have the St. Paddy’s
place for you. New York’s hottest Irish club is “Off to Church,
Mother!” Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of
3000th street and Garry Marshall memorial drive, this gang-ridden
skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Verne Troyer’s 2004
wedding. This place has everything: peeps, TED Talks, roman j Israel
esquire, and be sure to hit the dance floor and do a jig with
Ireland’s hottest Farrah-cauns, leprechauns who look like Farrah
Fawcett. But also, yes, Minister Farrakahn will be there.
And finally, there was his last recommendation, which came complete with a special request for Colin—“Please, call me by your name”—and a delightful cameo from Hader’s longtime Stefon collaborator John Mulaney, who famously loved to mess with Hader by changing the lines on Stefon’s cue cards at the last minute.
If you’re ordinary and you love seizure-inducing Malaysian music, I
have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Stand Clear
of the Closing Doors, Please.” Built in the upside down world, this
haunted hospice was closed when inspectors found a sexy form of
asbestos that could cause disease: Me-so-horny-oma. This place has
everything: young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel, Esquire. Avoid
the dance floor on Wednesdays, when a dozen hot dachshunds and corgis
get in free. They call it long and low night. I don’t trust any dog
whose stomach touches the ground. Plus, you can party in the VIP room
with a group of human squatty potties. It’s that thing of—you know
what, it’s a new era, and I don’t’ want to say a word that could be
insensitive. Could I consult my lawyer quickly? He’s an attorney and a
conceptual piss artist named Shy.
At this point, Mulaney entered, wearing an absolutely ridiculous shirt layered over an even more ridiculous mesh tee, and whispered to Hader for a moment—making his colleague break into laughter—before skittering off again. Then Hader returned to tell his last Stefon punchline—until the next time he hosts the show.
Human squatty potties. It’s that thing of when you sit on the toilet,
and to have good posture, two little people crouch on the bathroom
floor and you put your feet on their heads.
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