'The Bachelor' recap: Three hours, two devastated women and one worst finale ever

Welcome to the two VHS tape, Martin Scorsese director’s cut edition of The Bachelor finale. It’s not like anything you’ve seen before, and that’s not us trying to Chris Harrison you into believing this is the end-all-be-all of television content. This is us saying that there were three hours of The Bachelor in which we saw two women absolutely devastated on national television. Let’s recap.

In Peru, Arie brings his family down to meet Becca and Lauren. We kick off with the latter, and though Lauren doesn’t have words to describe her love for Arie, she does wipe her tears away with an oversized sweater, which means she loves him. The family loves her, too. But the next day, Becca shows up with flowers and a picnic basket and a wedding registry and three of their kids. But there’s one problem: Arie’s family was really into Lauren. Like, enough that each family member specifically mentioned her by name to Becca. Yikes.

In a twist, Mama Arie and most of his family says that Becca is the one who will keep him in his place, and that’s who he should choose. So, he’s going to choose Becca, right? Oh, just you wait.

The next day, he has a final one-on-one with Lauren set at Machu Pichu. They talk about how they’re so lucky to have found each other, and Arie sees a sparkle in her eye, and it reminds him that maybe he should marry her. Love is wild, y’all.

And if that’s not enough, Lauren comes out of the woodwork and says twice as much in one speech as she’s said all season.

Back on the final date with Becca, it’s raining in Peru. Ominous? Probably. Bachelor producers control everything.

They spend a wonderful day together in Peru, but Becca is past the competition portion of the show because this isn’t Bachelor fun anymore. She’s ready to Lock. It. Down. Like, down to the fact that she called out Lauren, then read Arie a journal entry letting him know that they met on the eighth anniversary of her dad’s passing. Lord.

The next day, after some contemplation and a meeting with Neil Lane, Arie makes his decision. Lauren is the first to get out of the limo, and as we all know, First is Worst. Continuing on the Lauren B Finds Words Tour 2018, she tells Arie how important he is to her, but he ruins it when he cuts her loose. She admits that she still loves him, and he reciprocates, but he still sends her home.

That leaves Becca, but we still have more than an hour of shenanigans left, so you know this is going to be insane. She makes her way down to the alpaca farm, where Arie tells her he loves her and then he proposes. She says yes! It’s all wonderful! They’ve decided to start making babies! But then, the wind snatches the rose out of Becca’s hand, and I swear you can hear it hit the ground.

In the days and weeks following the finale, Becca and Arie hung out together and it was great. They brushed their teeth. They stretched out pizza dough. They lounged on a hammock. And then Arie decided that he actually loved Lauren more, so he called off the engagement. And if you wanted all the perspective on it, then don’t you worry —The Bachelor has the dual-camera, unedited feed of what happened in real time.

Arie tells Becca that he wants to break off the engagement and see what there is with Lauren, and Becca responds, “Are you [expletive] kidding me?” Which is the only correct response in this scenario.

He tries to explain that he knows it isn’t fair, but Becca is completely unamused, understandably. When he says he’s only half in it with her, Becca asks if he’s going to be half in it with Lauren, to which he says, “No, I want to give it a shot.” Ok, Arie. Good plan.

Being the saint she is, Becca says, “I hope you find what you want,” before getting up and leaving. Arie follows her and tries to keep the conversation going because it’s clear that he doesn’t want to end up being the bad guy here, but Becca insists that there’s nothing more to discuss. He just needs to get his stuff and leave. Just like a stupid man, he asks if she’s Ok, but honestly, she just wants him to leave.

It all plays out like a slow-speed car wreck — just a slow montage of walking around and crying.

I’m going to take a minute away from being your recapper and just say, it feels a little dirty. We all sign up for the show knowing what’s likely on the other side of the camera, but there’s something particularly exploitive about taking an hour to completely wring a woman’s emotions out on national television.

But with that, we’re left on a cliffhanger — Becca is devastated, the network has an extra two hours of content, Lauren is presumably somewhere reading a dictionary, and the first night of the finale of an overwhelmingly painful season is over.

We’ll see you back here tomorrow for the second part of this torture finale.

More: ‘Bachelor Nation’ author Amy Kaufman still loves the franchise despite being ‘banned’ by ABC

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