Coronavirus Desperation—Don’t Watch the World’s 5 Worst Forgotten Movies – The National Interest Online
[ad_1]
We’ve bent the curve of the pandemic and built up our capacity to manage further outbreaks. Now, the race is on to reopen America, to let people resume their livelihoods without risking their lives.
Beyond the need to let us pull the economy out of a ruinous tailspin, there’s another reason to end our isolation. All this staying at home has taken a toll. When you’ve binge-watched every show on Netflix; viewed every movie in your DVD collection again, and exhausted all the free movies on Xfinity—what’s left?
After weeks of delving deeper and deeper into the depths of cinematic entertainment, you reach the point where there is nothing to see but the worst of the worst. Don’t go there.
Moviegoers have an unending fascination with terrible cinema. Some of the absolute worst are cult classics. The Room (2003) became so famous, they made a film about the filmmaker, The Disaster Artist (2017). Director Ed Wood, also the subject of a biopic, Ed Wood (2010), is widely honored for making the worst film in human history: Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959). These movies, and every film ever made by Roger Corman, however, are just the rotting surface layer of the pit of bad.
The truly grotesque stuff is underneath. Even the most compulsive movie addicts may not have seen or even heard of the following five films. That’s as it should be. These films occupy the darkest corner of the silver screen. Turn back now. Click through to the next story. Or, if you must, watch:
#5. Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster (1965). Hurricane Maria wasn’t the only major disaster hit to hit Puerto Rico. This movie was filmed there. The plot out-reeks the most dreadful sci-fi clunkers of the day, not just Plan Nine from Outer Space but other devastatingly bad cinema such as Mars Needs Women (1967); Teenagers from Outer Space (1957); Invasion of the Saucer Men (1957); Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1965); Cat-Women of the Moon (1957); and Queen of Outer Space (1958). It’s like they all were put in a blender and set on froth. In this one, our space-aged Frankenstein is an astronaut hideously deformed after crashing landing back on earth. Worse, he then has to go toe-to-toe with aliens bent on kidnapping Earth women to repopulate their world. But is kidnapping really necessary? Just screen this turkey for them, and women would volunteer to leave the planet.
#4. Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (1966). Let’s stick with the theme here. Mary Shelly, if she could, definitely would have come back from the dead and murdered the entire cast and crew. Apparently Jesse and his sidekick were not killed in a shootout with Sheriff Pat Garett. Instead, they’re on the lam. That’s when they stumble upon a descendent of Dr. Frankenstein. The mad scientist turns Jesse’s saddle buddy into a monster named “Igor.” I’m pretty sure that, halfway into the filming, the actor playing Jesse was wishing he had been shot by the sheriff. This movie went straight to drive-in, half of a double-feature with Billy the Kid vs Dracula (1966). You can’t make this stuff up.
#3. Robot Monster (1953). First of all, there is no robot in the movie. There is a monster named Ro-Man (the least threatening monster name ever). And, yes, the monster is a guy in a gorilla suit, as if there weren’t enough bad guerilla-suit movies. [See Bride of the Gorilla (1951). Or, better yet, DON’T see it.] Here, gorilla-man wears a space helmet… or fish bowl…. It’s hard to tell. Go-, I mean, Ro-man is tasked with killing the last eight humans on earth. The movie was done in 3-D—a complete waste of an extra $4,000. All the not-so-special effects are repurposed stock film and mattes from other movies, except for the Ro-Man command post, which includes a bubble machine and a folding wooden table.
#2. Santo and Blue Demon vs the Monsters (1970). Why should Hollywood get all the shame? Don’t get me wrong. I love Santo, Mexico’s most famous masked wrestler. He is a genuine homegrown movie superhero. On film, Santo fought everything from Dracula and the undead to space aliens. In fact, many Santo movie plots just regurgitated ideas from popular Hollywood films. Sadly, every single moment of this particular movie is painfully unwatchable. A mad doctor reanimates pretty much every monster who ever set out for world domination in a classic Universal horror movie. Some movies, like Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) were able to play these creatures for laughs. But if you find humor in this film, it’s not because they intended to make a comedy; it’s just hilariously dreadful.
#1. Argoman the Fantastic Superman (1967). Why would anyone spend millions making unwatchable flops like Heaven’s Gate (1980) or Caligula (1979) when they could make movies that every bit as bad for pennies on the dollar? This lemon has my vote for the worst film of all times—no easy call with competition like Flesh-Eating Mothers (1988), Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (1989) or Warriors of the Wasteland (1989), the worst-ever rip-off of Mad Max (1981). What is there to say about this film? Millionaire playboy-spy Argoman is not fantastic in any way conceivable. His superpowers are basically anything that can be done without paying for special effects. For example, he can bend minds to his will. We know this because in one scene he tells a firing squad, “Shoot yourselves.” Super! So, yeah, this is as far from X-Men (2000) as Blazing Saddles (1974) is from Gone with the Wind (1939).
These are films that should never have been made, much less watched. Pray that your state is ready for phase one, lest you be tempted to give them a peek.
When not watching bad movies, James Jay Carafano is a Heritage Foundation vice president.
Image: Medium
Let’s block ads! (Why?)
[ad_2]
