By Jon Bauer
Herald staff
In honor of Father’s Day, today’s Buzz will consist of nothing but dad jokes, which is no change from any other week, judging from the eye rolls we get.
As for the week that wasn’t:
Are you sure that’s not the Boeing Co.? The Boring Co., founded by Tesla CEO Elon Musk, has been selected to build a high-speed underground transit system from downtown Chicago to O’Hare International Airport. The underground shuttles will carry eight to 16 people at a time at speeds of 125 to 150 mph, making the trip in minutes.
The airlines will still lose your luggage, but the Boring shuttles will make you lose your lunch.
Jesus wept: Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited the Bible in defending the administration’s practice of separating children from parents who cross the border illegally. “I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained them for the purpose of order,” Sessions said.
While we’re looking up Bible verses, we don’t think that when Jesus said “suffer the children,” he meant what Sessions must think he meant.
Rocky Raccoon checked into his room: A raccoon became an internet sensation by scaling a 25-story office tower in in St. Paul, Minnesota. The raccoon was later trapped on the building’s roof and released into the wild. A raccoon expert explained the animal’s actions: “Raccoons don’t think ahead very much, so raccoons don’t have very good impulse control.”
Asked why a raccoon climbing a building would interest so many people, a human expert explained: “People on the internet don’t think ahead very much, so they don’t have very good impulse control.”
Not a quiet week in Lake Wobegon: A woman, again in Minnesota, got her head stuck in a truck’s oversized tailpipe during a music festival. Alcohol was believed to be a factor.
“And you think I’ve got impulse control problems?” said the raccoon.
Coming to a Pyongyang multiplex near you: During the historic meeting between President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, part of the American pitch to Kim included a 4-minute video, in the style of a movie trailer, that talked of North Korea’s opportunity for peace and prosperity and included fast cuts of booming industry, sunrises and a cameo by Sylvester Stallone.
Trump, upon his arrival home — next to the space he’s already cleared for a Nobel Prize — dusted off one for an Oscar.
Speaking the wrong language: On his way to Singapore to meet Kim, President Trump lashed out at Canada’s prime minister, after he left the G-7 summit in Quebec, accusing Justin Trudeau of making “false statements” about trade discussions and being “dishonest & weak.” In response, Trudeau said, “As Canadians, we are polite, we’re reasonable, but also we will not be pushed around.”
Listen, Justin. We know this goes against Canadian morals, but if you want to get something done with Trump, follow Kim’s lead: Get yourself a Twitter feed and call the president a “dotard.” He loves that.
Would you like fries with that? Following the most recent allegations that he used his office for political gain, including obtaining tickets to sporting events, rumors are circulating about EPA chief Scott Pruitt’s possible firing.
Pruitt better hope his wife finished that application for a Chik-fil-A franchise. And brush up on his up-selling skills.
Don’t know much about history: On June 15, 1215, England’s King John put his seal on the Magna Carta at Runnymede. Also on June 15, 1520, Pope Leo X released a papal bull threatening to excommunicate Martin Luther if he did not recant his religious beliefs.
Important events to be sure, but who remembers the men and women who had to clean up after the seal and bull. (We warned you about the dad jokes.)
Jon Bauer: [email protected].
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