By Jon Bauer
Herald staff
We feel a little sorry for Roseanne. We know what it’s like when a joke falls flat. You do have to know your audience. Maybe it would have played better if she was doing stand-up during a KKK rally: “I know you’re out there; I can hear your sheets rustling in the wind.”
As for the week that wasn’t:
Roseanne Barred: ABC announced that it has canceled the popular reboot of the “Roseanne” TV series, after its star, Roseanne Barr posted a series of tweets that were racist, harassing and repeated false conspiracy theories. Barr apologized but seemed shocked that the network fired her.
Sorry, Roseanne, but apparently there’s only one job you’re allowed to keep after sending tweets that are racist, harassing and repeat conspiracy theories. It’s occupied, but there should be an opening in 2020.
Talk to your doctor: In her attempts to apologize, Barr appeared to blame the sleep aid Ambien.
No excuse. Everybody remembers the voice-over on the Ambien ads: “You should not use Ambien if you could possibly blow a multi-million-dollar TV deal for a series reboot by tweeting a racist attack on a former Obama administration official who hasn’t been in the news for more than a year.”
Maybe cut the dose in half, Sam: Similar criticism from the right was launched after Samantha Bee, host of TBS’s show, “Full Frontal,” used a vulgarity in reference to Ivanka Trump, urging her to talk to her father about his immigration policies. Bee apologized, as did TBS.
Like Barr, Bee attempted to excuse her outburst as a side-effect of swallowing daily doses of inhumanity dispensed by the Trump administration.
Surely, Gary Busey’s done something he can be pardoned for: President Trump pardoned conservative pundit Dinesh D’Souza, who pleaded guilty in 2014 to campaign finance law violations. Trump later said he was considering clemency over Martha Stewart’s insider trading conviction and former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich’s bribery conviction. This follows Trump’s pardons of Scooter Libby and “Sheriff Joe” Arpaio.
It should be obvious by now what Trump’s doing; he’s assembling the greatest season ever of “Celebrity Apprentice.”
Oh, Lord, won’t you buy a private jet plane? Televangelist Jesse Duplantis told his followers last week that he needs $54 million from them to buy a private jet, his fourth, for his ministry, explaining that if Jesus were alive today he wouldn’t be riding on the back of a donkey to reach his followers.
Maybe Jesus wouldn’t be riding a donkey, but we also don’t think he’d be seen with an ass like Duplantis.
Reports of his death were greatly exaggerated: A Russian journalist and critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, who had been reported as slain last week, shocked colleagues when he walked into a news conference in Kiev, Ukraine. Authorities explained that they had faked Arkady Babchenko’s murder as part of their investigation into an actual assassination threat on Babchenko’s life.
“Look out,” said Putin to those gathered, as he jumped into the room, bare-chested and holding an AK-47, and aimed it at Babchenko. “Am protectink you from zombie.”
Driven to distraction: Traffic deaths in the U.S. increased by 13.5 percent between 2010 and 2016, the highest rate among 29 countries, with 11.6 people per 100,000 losing their lives in motor vehicle crashes. Distracted driving was seen as the main reason for the increase.
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Jon Bauer: [email protected].
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